Saturday, April 30th, 2016. Ashley graduated from Flagler College with a bachelor of Arts in History. What a proud moment. I do not think that I have ever seen her that happy. A no-holds-barred fully animated sort of happy.
Michelle and I spent the weekend at Anastasia State Park campground. It seemed only fitting. We stayed there in August 2012, the weekend that we dropped Ashley off as an incoming freshman. I remember that day. The day we packed up the camper and drove home without her. I don't think a single word was spoken the entire way home. I don't think either of us were capable of speaking without breaking down into tears. I guess that you can only hold on to something for just a little while.
Fast forward almost four years, and here we are again. A few more tears..this time somewhat happier than before. All in all a good commencement ceremony. Lots of happy faces. She spent the night with us at the campsite making smores over a campfire and talking. Just like we did so many times when she was growing up. Of course, this weekend also came with more news. She was offered an opportunity to do her graduate work at Hull University in England. What an opportunity. It means that she will be out of the country for at least a year. maybe two. Without a doubt she has to seize this opportunity. Of course, that means that I have to muster up the courage to buy her a one way ticket to England, all the while maintaining a smile. I guess that you can only hold on to something for just a little while.
Michelle and I took a nice walk on the beach this morning before we left. You could see families setting up for a day of fun. A couple of toddlers playing in a tidal pool. It really doesn't seem like that long ago we were doing the same thing - watching Ashley chasing birds up and down the beach. Back then we would occasionally see older people walking and looking wistful as they watched all of the commotion. Probably reminiscing about when they had a young family. I get that now. I know what they felt, because I am now where they were twenty years ago. And those older people we saw way back then - they are more than likely not even around anymore. I guess that you can only hold on to something for just a little while.
Mother's day is next weekend. Mom died the day before Mother's day in 2014. I was thinking about that while walking in the surf this morning. I was thinking about the fact that to this day, I have never shed a single tear over her passing. Not one. I have no idea why I haven't. I loved her very much and miss her every day. I miss the woman she was before Alzheimer's took her away. But I guess that you can only hold on to something for just a little while.
I went by her grave a couple of weeks ago. That is where you are supposed to be able to get closest to those that have died. Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. And no tears. And no real sadness. What does it all mean? I do know that, over the past several months, I have seen her look at me through other people's eyes. Total strangers. I catch it out of the corner of my eye when I least expect it. That look - her look - her eyes resting calmly above her high cheeks. Her distinct smile. Then it is gone. But it was there for a moment. I know it for certain. To be quite honest, it scares the hell out of me. I'm not one to buy in to supernatural or religious stuff, and am definitely not one to "look for a sign" - but it has happened on several occasions now. Maybe mom has my back on all this cancer stuff. Maybe I need to get things in order in the case that it doesn't go in my favor. Maybe it is just the lupron and everything fucking with my mind.
You ever notice that while walking in the surf - oh about ankle deep - and something catches your eye? You reach down to get it, but before you can, another wave comes by and takes it away. The ocean, she is funny that way. She holds on to most all of her secrets most of the while. This morning was no different. As I walked along, reflecting on graduations, family, mom, and cancer, my eyes were scanning the surf. Lots of cool looking stuff, but before I could really see what it was, it was gone. Is that a sand dollar? Got it..no..just a cracked piece of shell. Twenty years of visiting this beach, never really found anything that cool in the surf. But wait. That right there! That really is a complete sand dollar. Of course as I reach for it,, another wave comes in. As the water momentarily recedes, it reveals..the sand dollar is still there. I pick it up. The ocean missed her opportunity, and I got it. I Guess I will get to hold on to it for a little while after all.
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