About a year before my diagnosis, Michelle and I joined a church. I had never before belonged to a church in my life. I had attended various ones occasionally, but had been turned off by a multitude of things that are often echoed by many. Anyway, that has been it's own learning path as well. Learning just what it means to be a member of a church. During every service, there is a time for people to share their concerns and celebrations. Probably not much different than most churches. There are plenty of trials and tribulations out there. That is for sure. I would be sure to try and personally express my concern for them and provide the old "if you need anything, let me know" offer.
I never shared any of my personal concerns with the congregations - and few celebrations for that matter. A requisite public acknowledgement of our anniversary and the like.
When I was first being diagnosed with cancer, I did not share a word with anyone but my wife. I made her promise not to mention it to anyone either - including her family - until we had decided on a course of action. I realize now just how much of an unnecessary burden that was to put on her. Once we decided on having the prostate surgically removed, I told her that I was ok in letting immediate family members and a few select friends know. But no public disclosure, and definitely no social media announcement. Not even so much as an innuendo - especially not one of those "copy and paste into your status if you know someone with cancer" things. I am not one of those people that need that sort of crap. I definitely did not confide in my congregation that I had this thing. As surgery approached, I did tell the pastor and a few individuals that I felt needed to know. That I would be out for a while.
When I recovered from surgery with a seeming positive pathology report, I did share it as a celebration at church, and share the info on facebook as a way to remind my friends to get checked. There were many "I had no idea"s and "Why didn't you say anything"s. I shrugged it off as no big deal and didn't want to bother anybody. Yada yada yada. In retrospect, a complete asshole move on my part.
When the news came that the surgery was not a complete success, and that radiation and hormone therapy was next on my agenda, that caused me to step back a bit, but I still chose to keep it to my self and a few necessary acquaintances. Can't let myself be that guy.
Shortly after I began my treatments, I discovered a support group on social media and joined it. I had no idea so many were going through this. I lurked for a bit, and eventually responded to a few posts. Then I started posting some of my own. fairly trivial stuff at first. I eventually started sharing my condition, frustrations, concerns. everything. Others were sharing with me as well. It felt good. It felt good to talk. About week five of my radiation treatments, it occurred to me that I was not being this open about my fears to my own wife. It seemed much easier to share with the perceived anonymity that social media provided than with my loved ones. Because I had to be strong for my family, right? Wrong. It is completely unfair to her. I made a conscious effort to really open up about how I was really feeling. When I was scared as hell. Frustrated that I could not "perform" due to the side effects of the meds and surgery. My thoughts about potentially bad outcomes. Little by little I started letting people in the congregation know what was going on. As I began to let people in, They started letting me in at a different level as well. So this is how it is supposed to work. Who would have thunk it.
I think that the final blow was when I finished my radiation and made a post on FB. (old habits die hard, I guess). Lots of posts and acknowledgement, but the one that hit home was one from life long friend that I have known since I was five. He is now a Pastor in Cleveland. He was genuinely upset and apologetic that he had not been friend enough to pay attention to what had been going with me. I did my best to assure him that it was not he, but I, that had come up short. That I had not made any mention of it. Then it really hit home just what I had done. People that I regard as lifelong close friends, yet consciously kept them distanced from what was going on. In the name of pride? maybe. I don't really know. In the name of being strong? I don't think so. As it turns out, it is pretty easy to try and do it yourself. It is much harder -at least initially - to let the barriers down and let others in. But the rewards for "putting it out there" are wonderful. I feel much closer to my wife than I have since this started. I know that I have the support of many, and it feels great. At a different level great. It took cancer to teach me that. And a bunch of help from friends that I have never actually met in person.
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