Random thoughts

4/27/16
Back in February when I first started radiation, I got three green dot tattoos to serve as alignment markers. One on each thigh and one in the pubic area. In an attempt to help the therapists, with one swath of a razor, I shaved the area immediately surrounding the dot in front. No more than necessary, but I figured that they didn't want to root around down there any longer than necessary trying to find it (the dot). So there it is, my initial foray into "man-scaping". It is now the end of April, and there is not so much as stubble in that spot. Zero. Nada. From a guy that has hair on nearly every square inch of his body.  I guess that the Lupron is actually starting to take hold. Out of everything I have been through so far on this journey, I don't know why that singular insignificant thing bothers me so much, but it does. Maybe because it is the first outwardly visible indication of what is actually going on inside. I don't know.  On the good side, What the prostectomy took away, perhaps the lack of hair will give the perception of adding back. Just some crazy shit from left field.

4/28/16
Last night was a great night. Surgery, radiation, and hormone therapy be damned, it was a great night. I was able to experience something with my wife that I thought I was never going to be able to experience again. It felt good. damn good.
About a week or so ago, I was watching TV. Michelle had already gone to bed. It was Nurse Jackie on Netflix. There was a gratuitous sex scene. Suddenly, things started "waking up". I was actually feeling the beginnings of an erection. That hadn't happened in several  months. Things had just started coming back after surgery, when I was put on hormone therapy in January. That pretty much killed everything. I was even denied the well documented "Lupron bump"by being placed on firmagon first. That combination pretty much made my big toe far more entertaining than my penis.  Imagine my surprise when this started occurring three months later. Well, I did what every red blooded guy would do in this situation, I decided to try and help things along. and it worked. Hot Damn!! The next night I decided to try it again - this time with the help of a small pill. It took a little effort, but it worked. After the third night , I told my wife of the improvement - that things were not quite ready to "go live", but definitely on the upswing. And I emailed my urologist. As much as the guy in me was going "Hell Yea!!", the engineer in me was going "oh shit - if the lupron isn't doing what it is touted to do in this way - what else is it not doing!!??" My urologist reassured me if my ED was improving even while on lupron, it was definitely a good thing. Only one thing left to try.
Last night was a great night. I will leave it at that. I also slept better than longer than I can remember. Straight through the night (afterwards).
I am not sure how long this will last. Common sense says that the longer I am on hormone therapy, the more it will take control. I am going to damn sure seize the moment while it lasts. You can bet on that.

04/29/16
I decided to get up early and drive to Gainesville to see Charlie. He has been on my mind for a few days. He was at my bell ringing, but I didn't get to catch up with him afterwards. I just felt that I should check and see that he is managing ok. He seemed genuinely happy so see me. I didn't go in - just chatted in the parking lot. Told him that I had an appointment down the street.He said that he was managing it well, but his eyes told a different story . They were sort of sunk in. He did ask if the energy came back. I assured him that it will return quickly and that digestive issues would improve rapidly as well.  I gave him my contact info and told him to look me up if he ever wants to feel better about his golf game..and to call when he rang out!!
Glad that I made the trip to Gainesville. it was worth it. Now time to get ready and go to St Augustine for Ashley's graduation!!!

5/5/2016
One of the most frequent themes I hear when telling someone that I finished radiation is "Good. Now all that is all behind you". That is the way we live our lives these days - from one concern to the next - never focusing on any one thing for any length of time. Most people do not dwell on things for long. Just like the 24 hour news cycle, we need to move on to the next thing. Perhaps it is not that, but they are trying to be positive and encouraging. The thing is, what becomes more clear every day that I am on this journey is that there is no "putting it behind you". It is a thing that will be there from now on out. It will at least partially frame every other aspect of my life. I am currently waiting until June to take my next PSA test. Then three months after that..and on and on. I just read a post on line from a man that was good for two years after his treatment, and it just started returning. back on hormone therapy he goes. So I wait. I wait for a test in June that really won't tell me much - hopefully. I am still on HT, so things should be completely suppressed. Just a baseline. Anything other than undetectable means that my cancer is resistant to both radiation and lupron. That is a possible outcome, but very unlikely. It will most likely return undetectable, as will the next two while I am still on the lupron. then once I start coming off lupron, the real story will be revealed - sometime around the end of the year or next. Then monitoring. waiting . wondering. All out in front of me.