Tales From The Other Side

Spot, my fun loving prostate & drinking buddy

It has been three months since I officially stopped taking Lupron. My last 4-month injection was on August 9, 2016. I was due one more in December, but made the decision to forego it and see if I could hold a zero on my own. It is a catch 22. Although my PSA has remained zero since June, there was no way of telling whether it is from being cancer free, or just the Lupron suppressing it. When both my Oncologist and Urologist confirmed that whether or not I took one more shot would have no effect on my ultimate outcome, it seemed pointless to blindly subject myself  to another four months of this crap. I wanted to find out where I stand. The worst case is that I go back on it if need be, but I had to know.
I just had to know.
That was December 12th, based on a blood work from December 5th.

My next data point would be my annual physical - Due in January. I requested that a PSA and Testosterone test be included with my blood work. The results of that test (Jan 3rd) revealed that my PSA was still undetectable, and that my testosterone had already recovered to 143. Still way below normal (>250), but a lot further away from chemical castration levels (<50) than I thought it would be for only being one month out. Hell yea, I am going to rid my body of this poison in short order and get back to normal.
Or not.
That blood work also revealed something else. My cholesterol levels were through the roof. 384. As it turns out, one of the value added bonuses of hormone therapy for me. I have always had to watch my cholesterol, but could always manage it with diet and exercise. Not any more. I am not taking statins to manage that. Cheeseburger, anyone?
   So, how does it feel to be off of Lupron? As much as I would like to say that is just amazingly awesome, it really is not. It is more of a mixed bag, for sure. I can say that the hot flashes are all but gone. That is a good thing. I have more energy some days. Things are starting to wake up "downstairs". Hell, I even had what might pass as "morning wood" on a couple of occasions. All good stuff. Probably the most noticeable difference is my body's response to exercise. During strength training, I am actually starting to feel that pump again. The muscles are actually responding, as opposed to just getting tired. That feels good.
The brain fog is lifting, and I can focus better. A bit more mental clarity. it is a good thing, but it is also allowing me to finally see just how much of a toll this journey has taken. Just how much it has impacted my life, and the lives of those closest to me. make no mistake that every aspect -both  personal and professional - has taken a huge hit. Some days, I feel like a stranger in my own life - if that makes any sense.
When I was in the Navy many years ago, I was single, but the married men would mention how hard it was to return home an extended deployment and try to re-fit in within their own home. To get back into a normal routine. Their wives/families had, out of necessity, continued to go on with their lives with their spouses out of the picture for the better part of a year. Playing catch-up seemed to be a hard thing. Some did not succeed. Nobody's fault really..life goes on with or without us. I think I get that to some extent now. I guess that I can take comfort in the fact that should this thing go south for me, others can manage. In the meanwhile, I got work to do.
  Most anyone that has gone onto hormone therapy will recall the mood swings that occurred - mostly in the beginning for me. Well guess what? my experience is that they come back as the Lupron wears off and testosterone re-enters your body. But they are different going this direction. The first time, most of my swings were towards sad. Crying moments. This time, they were more tinged with anger and darkness. They seem to have subsided, but a few were doosies. I don't want any more of those. That is for sure. If you think about it, it sort of makes sense that mood swings would happen with the re-introduction of testosterone. It's like puberty all over again. But without the Farrah Fawcett poster.
  And there is all the physical stuff. "The Wall" still exists, in all it's glory. The other night I was grilling steaks for dinner. Out of no where, I was exhausted. I finished them, put them on the counter, and went to bed. It wasn't even 9pm yet. I slept through until 7 the next morning. Stamina is still a big issue. I get tired way too easily for being 52 years old. I think my joints are feeling better, but my weight is still going up for no reason..not to mention the unnatural distribution. Perhaps I am expecting too much too soon. They said it would take some time to wear off. I guess I thought I could prove "them" wrong.
All in all,  it feels good to be off of it, even if it is such a mixed bag. I have no idea how long it will last, but I plan to make the most of it as long as I can.
Back in December, on separate appointments, I asked  my oncologist and urologist the same question. "What are the chances of me not needing more drug therapy?" Neither one was able to maintain eye contact. All I got was "let's see how it goes", & "take it one step at a time" as they purposefully studied at their note files.
Next PSA test is in a month, so we will see. Such is "life on a 3 month lease".
But I had to know.
However it goes, I just had to know.
#thewolfwillsurvive